


Catharsis

by artemiskitty



Series: Mistakes [4]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-11
Updated: 2019-11-07
Packaged: 2020-01-11 22:11:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18433115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artemiskitty/pseuds/artemiskitty
Summary: Summary: Alex and Olivia care for each other and their family as Safe integrates the trauma she has endured and repressed, and the family recovers from loss. Set in the Mistakes-Redemption universe, in 2016. Mostly Canon, but Alex has been back in SVU since 2008.





	1. Chapter 1

As soon as court was adjourned, Alex grabbed her coat and her briefcase, rushing down the courthouse steps and hailing a cab to nearby Stuyvesant High. Even though it was only a short walk in normal circumstances, and the spring weather in May would have made for a beautiful walk, the phone call from the school administration had suggested that these were not normal circumstances.

She threw a $20 at the driver and jumped out, rushing up the steps to the school’s buzzer.

“Where is she?” Alex asked worriedly, following the assistant principle into the building. “What happened?”

“Right this way, Ms. Cabot,” the older woman said, ushering her into a stairwell and up to the second floor. “We’re not really sure what happened. A student found her after her study period in the library. She doesn’t appear to need medical attention, but we can’t get through to her. She’s completely unresponsive. She did call for ‘Mama’ a few times, and her friend Stephanie said you were ‘Mama,’ which is why we called you. Your wife’s phone went straight to voicemail.”

Damn it, Olivia, Alex thought. You’re good at this, not me.

She followed through swinging double doors until they stopped in front of the girls’ bathroom, where a man Alex recognised as a guidance counsellor was standing outside the door, along with a female teacher.

The woman opened the bathroom door, and Alex felt her heart break. Safa was sitting on the floor, back against the tile wall, hugging her knees to her chest, rocking back and forth. Alex couldn’t see her face, but her sobs echoed throughout the room, and she made no move to acknowledge Alex’s presence.

Alex approached her slowly, her heels clicking on the tile. “Safa,” she said softly, leaning towards the girl. “Safa, Mama’s here.”

Realising she wasn’t going to get anywhere with her daughter at a distance, she looked around, frowning, before draping her coat over the top of a stall door, and hanging her briefcase. Scrunching her nose, she touched the wall, and slid down to sit next to Safa on the floor. Safa didn’t acknowledge her, and after a moment, Alex reached over and placed her hand gently in the centre of Safa’s back, behind her heart, and began to do a meditative breath, counting to four as she inhaled, to four again as she held her breath, and to four again as she exhaled. And each time, she imagined herself breathing in her daughter’s anguish, and breathing out I love you.

The assistant principle watched as the formidable woman before her, the mother that administrators feared and sought to appease perhaps most of any of the upper-middle-class academically inclined families in the school, melted and became tender next to the fragile young teen. With her other hand, Alex shooed her away, mouthing a request for privacy, and the principle turned and left the restroom.

Slowly, grimacing at the filth she was sure her suit was accumulating, Alex relaxed, and just as slowly, Safa’s sobs began to line up with Alex's breathing. Eventually she stopped shaking. Then, she loosened the grip of her arms around her knees. Finally, after what seemed like forever but had likely only been 15 minutes, she collapsed into Alex’s lap and allowed her adoptive mother to put an arm around her and rub her back.

Alex kept her eyes closed and maintained her breathing rhythm, hoping Safa would continue to relax, as she rubbed her daughter’s back. She dared not speak, nor ask what had happened, for fear of setting off a new round of uncontrolled despair. They would talk about it later.

Alex continued to rub Safa’s back, slowly and deliberately, with her right hand, but reached over with her left hand to brush some of Safa’s thick, curly brown hair away from her face, buried in Alex’s lap and covering her skirt with tears and snot.

“Shhh,” Alex whispered, almost involuntarily, as her thumb wiped away a cheek, then passed oner her temple.

After Safa had been quiet for a long while, she mumbled something into Alex’s leg, then turned her face. Bright green eyes, bloodshot from crying and filled with tears, looked up to meet Alex’s kind blue eyes.

“Mama,” she said, choking out her words, speaking at barely above a whisper. “What did they do to me?"


	2. Chapter 2

Alex wipe another tear off of Safa’s face with her thumb and studied the small and fragile girl on her lap. 

“What did they do to me?” Safa asked again, this time in a whisper.

“Tell me, love,” Alex said gently. “What did who do to you?”

“I don’t know,” Safa choked out. 

“Let’s start with what you were doing right before you got upset,” Alex suggested.

“I don’t remember,” Safa said. “How long have I been here?”

“For a little while, sweetie. Long enough for me to get here.”

“I missed all of my classes! I’m going to be dead!” Safa exclaimed.

“Don’t worry about that right now,” Alex reassured her. “They’ll understand. What do you remember from this morning?”

“You dropped me off on your way to court. I had science, and we talked about human reproduction, and the boys were really gross.”

Alex wondered for a moment if that had triggered her. She and Olivia had discussed the mechanics of sex with her, but hadn’t gone into too much detail. Safa of course already knew far more about sex than she should have, but at the time, she hadn’t seemed overly bothered. She had merely been a bit grossed out. Alex and Olivia had agonised privately about how to balance being open about the topic without triggering her.

“Then what?” Alex asked. 

“I had English,” Safa replied. “That was okay. We had a quiz and talked about symbolism. But nobody really cared because the AP exam is over.”

“What happened next?”

“I... went to the library with Steph. She’s working on her final research project for her Modern World History class. That’s the last thing I remember.”

Alex nodded. “Close your eyes, love,” she said. “Do you remember anyone else there with you in the library? Was anyone bothering you?”

Safa shook her head. “It was pretty quiet.”

“Why do you think someone hurt you?” Alex asked.

Safa shook her head. “I don’t know. I just... I don’t know.”

“Should we get Stephanie down here and talk to her about what happened?” 

Safa sniffled and sat up, wiping her eyes.

“School is over in ten minutes,” Alex said, looking at her watch. “Why don’t we bring her home with us, and I’ll call mom, and we can talk about it at home, instead of here on the bathroom floor, okay?”

Safa nodded.

“Do you know where her locker is? Let’s get your things and meet her. And if she can’t come with us, we can have a quick chat to see what she remembers,” Alex suggested.

Safa nodded. “Who saw me in here?” She asked, suddenly feeling very self-conscious. 

“Just the guidance counselor and the assistant principal,” Alex said. “Don’t worry. Here, wash your face in the sink,” she suggested.

Alex put her coat on and hung her briefcase back on her shoulder, opening the front pocket. She handed Safa a bottle of water, and then a banana, which the girl declined. 

“If you didn’t have lunch, you’re going to have to eat something when we get home,“ Alex warned her. She tucked a lock of Safa’s hair behind her ear, and smiled gently. “Ready?” She asked.

Safa nodded. Her eyes were still bloodshot, and she crossed her arms tightly over her chest, tilting her head down to hide, trying her best to hold herself together. The shame of having lost control burned her cheeks.

Alex put her hand gently on her daughter’s back, guiding her out the bathroom door, and nodded at guidance counselor standing guard from his office across the hall. Alex took down the “Out-of-Order” sign someone had thought to tape to the door, and stuck it in a nearby trash can.

“Everything alright?” He called to Alex. “Good then.”

Alex straightened her spine and nodded curtly, glaring daggers. _How the fuck does someone witness a teenage girl crying for over an hour and assume everything is fine?!_ She cursed.

“See you tomorrow, Safa,” he said cheerily. “I hope you feel better.”

“Ignore him,” Alex murmered as she felt Safa tense up. She rubbed her hand across Safa’s back. When they got to Safa’s locker, Alex waited for her to open it and get her books, filling up her backpack with notebooks.

“Do you want me to go talk to your teachers and get your homework, and you can go meet Steph?” Alex asked. “Anything to turn in?”

“Steph has my books from the afternoon and turned in my homework. She’ll give me the assignments.”

Alex nodded. The bell rang just as Safa slammed her locker shut, and Alex pulled out her phone to see 3 missed calls from Olivia and a text.

_Captain told me you called about Safa and that you were going to the school right after court. What’s up?_

Alex tapped a quick message. _Safa had a meltdown at school. Not sure why. I’m bringing her home. Meet us there? My car is still at the office._

_I’ll pick it up and meet you at home. Need anything from the office?_

_Nope, see you at home, Lieutenant._ 😘

Alex stood against the wall, shielding Safa from the onslaught of teenagers pouring out of the classrooms to crowd the lockers. Safa, still trying to make herself small, hid partially behind her mother. Since she had stopped growing early, she was much shorter than her mothers by several inches. That came in handy when she needed a hug, and fit right under Alex’s or Olivia’s chin.

Stephanie, Safa’s best friend since the first day of 8th grade, waved as she approached, smiling. She had dark skin and thick curly hair, and Safa had bonded with her by defending her against a pair of boys who had called her names and asked her why she had pubic hair on her head. They had been practically inseparable since, and Alex had breathed a sigh of relief when they had both been accepted to the prestigious public high school. Alex had considered sending her to private school after she had caught up and even excelled academically, but Safa had begged to stay with her friends.

“Hey,” Stephanie called across the hall. “I can’t believe you made me sit through history and French all by myself!” She chided. It was then she noticed Alex standing next to Safa. “Hello, Ms. Cabot,” she said, adjusting her tone from what Alex thought of as "teenager shrill" to a more polite, softer tone.

“Hi Stephanie,” Alex replied, smiling at her daughter’s friend. “You know you can call me Alex,” she reminded her. “It’s good to see you."

“Are you okay?” Stephanie asked Safa, who nodded. “I got your homework for you. And I told Ms. Simmons and Mr. Cunningham that you were in the guidance office.”

“Thank you,” Safa said. 

“Stephanie, Safa doesn’t remember what happened,” Alex said. “Would you mind coming with us to talk about it and see if we can figure it out? Olivia is going to meet us at home.”

“Sure. Let me just grab my ish — stuff, I mean,” Stephanie said. 

Alex hailed a cab outside of the school and asked the driver to bring them to 88th and Central Park West, right by their brownstone off of Central Park. After officially becoming Safa’s permanent foster placement, Olivia had finally agreed to move into a place only someone like Alex could afford. The following year, Bill had taken a position as head of the burn unit at Columbia-Presbyterian Hospital, and they had moved to New York as well, purchasing a similar brownstone on 86th street, near a top rated public school with a gifted and talented program for Lexie.

Despite coming from a very different neighborhood, Stephanie had slowly learned to make herself at home in the Benson-Cabot house. Her family’s whole apartment would’ve fit into the ground floor of Safa’s house, but after a fair number of sleepovers and pizza and board game nights, she had started to shed the discomfort of the obvious class difference. Learning Safa had had a very different childhood in another country and was in foster care after losing her parents - Stephanie didn’t know how - helped Stephanie to feel more comfortable.

Alex hung up her coat at the door, and set water to boil for tea in the kitchen before she took her briefcase to put in her office. She would have to decide soon whether to cancel or postpone the next day’s office hours for her class at Harvard Law School, mostly appointments with students wanting a bit of advice before the final paper was due. 

She changed out of her suit, tossing it into the dry cleaning bag in her closet, opting to change into leggings and a tee-shirt, and found her slippers. She twisted her hair up and clipped it as she walked down the stairs, into the kitchen where she began preparing three mugs of tea, setting out a fourth for Olivia when she got home.

Alex popped into the living room, where Safa and Stephanie were sitting on the couch. “Can I talk to you for a minute, Safa?” Alex asked, waiting for her to come into the kitchen.

She turned around and studied her daughter, putting her hands on Safa's arms gently before she spoke. “Sweetie, I want you to know that whenever you want to stop this conversation, all you have to do is say so,” Alex began. “If there are some things you’re not comfortable talking about in front of Stephanie, or even things you’re not ready to talk to me and Mom about, that’s okay too.”

Safa nodded. “She already saw me at school, and she’s my best friend, so…”

“I know, sweetheart. But I’m not sure what’s going to come up right now, and it may be things you want to keep private, or things you’re not ready to share just yet. Mom and I already know about your past, and she doesn’t. If you want to stop talking, you can. If you want to send Stephanie to your room, or to the den to watch Netflix for a bit while we finish talking privately, we can do that. If you want Mom to drive her home, we can do that too. You are completely in control of this conversation, okay?”

“Okay.”

Alex heard the garage door open and Olivia come up the stairs, as Safa went back to her friend with their two mugs of tea.

She smiled at her wife - the word wife still made her giddy - as Olivia walked through the door, and came over to give her a kiss.

After a brief makeout session - too brief, in Alex's opinion - Olivia pulled back and put her hands on her hips. “What’ve we got?” She asked, and Alex briefly explained the situation.

“I don’t know,” Alex finished. “I didn’t want to get into it until she was out of the school and home, in a safe place. I don’t know what triggered her, so that’s what we need to find out first. But I think we have to be prepared for everything to come up.”

Olivia nodded in agreement. "How do you want to play it?”

“I’ll take Stephanie, then you can take Safa. I’ll hold her hand, but you might end up talking to the 7 year old, or the 10 year old. You’re more equipped for that than I am.”

“I’m going to run upstairs to lock up my gun,” Olivia said, kissing Alex on the cheek.

Olivia went upstairs, quickly locking her gun and badge into the hidden safe built into their closet. She took a sip of water out of the bottle she kept on the nightstand table, and ran her fingers through her hair.

She rejoined her wife in the kitchen and held her hand, and as they stepped into the living room, they looked at each other, and nodded.


	3. Chapter 3

Alex sat down next to Safa and put her hand on her back, and kissed her temple. 

 

“What we want to figure out, Safa, is what triggered your crisis this afternoon,” Alex said gently. “Usually when something like that happens, it means that there’s some trauma that needs to be healed. So we’re just going to talk through it and see what comes up, okay? We just want to let it happen, because if you try to repress it, it’s just going to come back out later.”

 

Safa nodded, and swallowed, her eyes filling up with tears.

 

“Feel what you need to feel,” Olivia added. “No matter what happens, or how much it hurts, you’re safe here, and we’re going to be right here the whole time.”

 

Alex held Safa’s hand. “Stephanie, can you tell us what you were doing in the library? Nothing you say here is going to get you in to trouble. We just want you to be honest so we can figure out what happened.”

 

Stephanie nodded and shrugged. “Uh, we were just doing homework, and I looked over and she was crying. And she didn’t stop, so I asked her if she wanted to ho to the bathroom.”

 

“What homework were you doing?” Alex asked.

 

Stephanie shrugged. “Just history.”

 

“Was anyone else there?”

 

She shook her head. “Not near us.”

 

“So, nobody touched you, or hurt you, or bothered you?”

 

Stephanie shook her head again. “No. It happened out of nowhere."

 

“What was the history assignment?” Alex asked.

 

“We have to pick a topic for our final research project on women’s rights. We have to research places where women still aren’t equal and how they are oppressed.”

 

“Did you find a topic?” Alex asked.

 

“No. We were looking up a bunch of topics online to see what we want to work on, but it was kind of hard to research because of the blocks on the computers, so we were trying to use our phones. There’s the forced abortion policy in China, rape as a war tactic in the Congo, abortion being criminalized in South America, child marriage all over the place, in lots of different countries... it’s horrible. Then I was reading this one thing about how in some places, they actually cut girls’... you know...and sew them up so they can’t have sex. It’s called female genital mutilation. I can’t believe people do that!” Stephanie explained.

 

Alex caught Olivia’s eye to exchange a look.

 

“What topic were you going to choose?” Alex asked. 

 

“Well, we were thinking about child marriage, because it turns out... did you know that most US states allow minors to get married with parental consent? And some girls have tried to get laws passed but it hasn’t worked yet, even in New York. It’s a really broad topic though so we’d have to narrow it down. But then I couldn’t stop reading the article about FGM, so maybe we’ll pick that. And I don’t know, Safa was reading something and, and then she randomly picked up our biology stuff from the lesson this morning and was looking at the diagrams, then all of a sudden just started crying.”

 

“Thank you, Stephanie, you’ve been very helpful,” Alex reassured her.

 

She looked at Safa, whose eyes had turned glassy.

 

“Can I see the diagrams?” Alex asked.

 

Stephanie opened her backpack and pulled out a pink folder, then removed a few handouts detailing the male and female reproductive systems. The page with the female systems had labeled diagrams of the internal reproductive organs, and another with the external genitalia, showing the labia, vaginal opening, clitoris...

 

Safa had taken it out to see what she didn’t have.

 

Alex put the diagrams on the coffee table in front of her and squeezed Safa’s hand. She remembered.

 

While Alex and Olivia had started Safa on regular therapy, they had no idea what, if anything, she discussed. Alex had filled in her own therapist before she drastically reduced her appointments to allow for Safa to take over her slot with Dr Caroline, since she didn’t need more than occasional maintenance. Without breaking privilege, Caroline had suggested that Safa wasn’t really delving deep into her trauma, and while she had tried to cover body image, the topic hadn’t taken.

 

Nor had she tried to talk to Alex and Olivia about it. The women had tried to remain open and normalize period talk, at least, but wanted to allow Safa to broach the topic herself. Eventually they would have to tell her - or she would figure it out on her own- that her experience was not shared by her peers at school. That time was probably now.

 

“Stephanie,” Alex began gently. “Why don’t you go hang out in Safa’s room for a bit, okay? I think we should talk to her privately, and then she can decide what she wants to share with you.”

 

Stephanie nodded and took her backpack upstairs to her friend’s room.

 

Olivia leaned in close. “Close your eyes, Safa,” she requested, her voice barely above a whisper. “What are you seeing right now?”

 

“It’s dark,” she whimpered. “The lady put a cloth over my eyes, and she’s holding me down. It’s cutting me in half.” Alex wiped away a tear.

 

“What do you need right now?” Alex asked softly.

 

“Make it stop!” Safa cried. “Stop them hurting me!”

 

“Sweetheart, they can’t hurt you anymore,” Olivia said. 

 

“I screamed and yelled at them to stop,” Safa said. “They just kept cutting me. And then I... I didn’t feel anything anymore.” She collapsed on Alex’s lap, and Alex put her arm around her.

 

“Do you see yourself on the table where it happened?” Olivia asked. 

 

Safa nodded. “I’m not in my body. I can see them cutting me open. Scraping between my legs. Pulling something out. There’s so much blood.” She put a hand between her legs.

 

“What is the little girl feeling right now?” Olivia asked.

 

“She thinks she’s going to die,” Safa said in a whisper.

 

“Tell her that she’s going to live. And she’s... her body is going to heal.”

 

“She doesn’t understand why Allah made her body bad. Why they had to hurt it for him.”

 

“Tell her that nothing about her is bad,” Olivia whispered. “Those women are wrong for hurting her and she doesn’t deserve it. She didn’t deserve any of the bad things that happened to her. Tell her that we love her so much.”

 

“They weren’t… they weren’t cutting off something that was wrong with me.” Safa said. 

 

“No, sweetheart,” Alex said. “There was nothing wrong with you.”

 

“Then… why??” She asked.

 

“Because, where you were born,” Alex began, “it’s a tradition, for controlling women’s sexuality, making sure they don’t like sex, and proving that they are virgins when they get married.”

 

“It’s not something that happens to every girl, like my mother told me,” Safa whispered.

 

Alex shook her head. “No, sweetheart. It’s not something that happens very often in the United States. We have never been cut. I doubt any of your friends or classmates have ever been cut.”

 

“So, you’re normal,” Safa said. “And I’m not. You… your… parts… look like this,” she said, picking up the health class diagram.

 

Alex nodded. “Not every woman looks exactly the same,” she said. “But yes, that is what women look like who haven’t been cut."

 

“I remember being cut,” Safa said. “But I don’t have… I’m not all sewn up.”

 

“Safa, sweetie, do you remember the first time you met me and Alex?” Olivia asked.

 

“You were in the hospital. I was in the hospital, too. Why was I in the hospital?” Safa asked confused.

 

Alex touched the side of her face, near her hairline, where a small skin graft and lots of vitamins E oil meant the scar was tiny and mostly faded. “You had a burn,” she reminded her. “The doctor cut open your scar when you first started staying with us, because it was very difficult for you to use the bathroom."

 

“Safa, you had some very, very hard things happen to you before you came to us,” Olivia said, practically whispering. “This is one of them.”

 

“There’s more?” Safa asked.

 

“Unfortunately, yes,” Olivia said. “We only know what you told us when you went into foster care. Auntie Rym helped you to talk to us, do you remember?”

 

Safa nodded. “So she knows.”

 

“She knows about what happened to you, yes,” Olivia said. “And Abbie, and Casey. Casey helped with your case, and Abbie was taking care of you during the day while we worked, before you went to school, because she was waiting to start a new job.”

 

“Safa, when you don’t remember something painful that happened to you, that’s your brain protecting you from something you’re not ready to process,” Alex said. “We’re here to talk about things when they come up, and help you to understand them. But if there are things you don’t remember, let’s try to process them one at a time. We’ll work on this right now, and then we can talk about the next thing. Maybe we can have some family sessions with Dr. Caroline, so she can help us, okay?”

 

“Now I'm afraid of what else I might remember,” Safa said. 

 

“Safa, you are so strong. And you’ve already survived it,” Olivia said. “Whatever is hidden in your brain is not going to be worse than everything you’ve already overcome. And you’re not in any physical danger.”

 

"But I think we should let it come out on its own time. There’s no rush, sweetheart,” Alex says.

 

“I want... I want to look,” Safa says, standing up abruptly, wobbling with lightheadedness, until Alex stood to keep her steady.

 

“Safa,” Alex warned, softly, exchanging a look with Olivia, who raised an eyebrow.

 

“Can you not do that? Talk about me with your looks while I’m right here?” Safa whined, reverting to sullen teen mode.

 

“I’ll be right back, sweetheart. I’ll meet you in our room,” Olivia said, cupping Safa’s cheek.

 

Safa followed Alex to the master bedroom, where Alex pulled an upholstered chair towards the bed. She turned around to give her daughter privacy as she took off her pants and underwear, and sat in the chair. Alex picked a magnifying mirror off of her vanity.

 

“The easiest way is to scoot to the edge of the chair, lean back, and put your feet on the bed,” Alex said, standing off to the side. She sat down on the ottoman, pulling it right next to Safa’s chair, but facing the other way, to keep her dignity in tact.

 

Olivia knocked on the door before opening it, a manila folder in hand, until she came to sit on the hope chest behind Safa.

 

“Safa,” Alex said gently. “Everyone has scars. There is nothing wrong with you, and you have nothing to be ashamed of.”

 

She handed Safa the mirror.

 

Alex watched the emotions play across her daughter’s face as she took a deep breath and looked in the mirror.

 

“Do you feel anything when you touch it?” Alex asked, careful to keep her eyes focused on Safa’s face and to avoid staring.

 

Safa shook her head, and Alex reached over to lay her hand on Safa’s that was gripping the chair’s arm.

 

“Safa, you lost a lot of nerve endings,” Alex said. “Your clitoris and your inner and outer labia were removed. The clitoris is for sexual pleasure, so when she examined you, the doctor didn’t know how much sexual sensation or function you’d have.”

 

“I don’t care about that,” Safa said, turning pink. She pulled her legs down, and Alex passed her a towel to put on her lap and took away the mirror.

 

“You might some day,” Olivia said, coming to sit on the edge of the bed. She opened the manila folder she was holding and showed Safa the pictures inside.

 

“This is what your scar looked like when you were first brought to the hospital,” Olivia said, showing the picture of the taut, completely covered area between her legs with a jagged scar. “Before the doctor opened it up and removed scar tissue.”

 

“You’re old enough now if you want surgery to look ‘normal,’” Alex said. “One of the things we were planning for our trip to France this summer is to consult with a specialist who can evaluate your function and do reconstructive surgery if and when you want it. She won’t be able to restore nerve endings that were removed, but she can change the appearance. When you have sex as an adult, your partner wouldn’t be able to tell.”

 

Safa shook her head. “I don’t want to,” she said.

 

“You don’t have to decide now,” Alex said. “It wouldn’t be surgery, just a consultation. You deserve to have a normal looking body if you want one.”

 

“Mama,” Safa said, on the verge of tears. “I... I think I’m asexual. I don’t want to have sex.”

 

Alex and Olivia exchanged another look.

 

“Safa, that’s completely okay,” Alex said. “You don’t ever have to have sex if you don’t want to,” she reassured her, rubbing her arm. “It’s also okay to not know yet, or not be ready for sex. I’m sure there are kids at school who are already doing it, but not being ready now doesn’t mean you won’t want sex as an adult. And that might change when you’ve processed more of your trauma.”

 

“I think I just want to live with another woman, like you and Mom, so I don’t have to,” Safa said.

 

Alex and Olivia’s eyes widened at each other.

 

“Safa,” Alex said, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. “You never have to have sex if you don’t ever want to,” she began. “But... Mom and I do have sex,” she said, blushing pink.

 

“How?!” Safa blurted out.

 

Alex gaped for a moment before Olivia rescued her. “We’re in love,” Olivia explained. “And when two people love each other, they usually have sex. Whether it’s a man and a woman, or two men, or two women.”

 

“The mechanics are a bit different, but it’s still sex,” Alex added, blushing. “You’ve seen us kissing. And you didn’t think we were together?”

 

“Well... I...” Safa sputtered. 

 

“Where you grew up, before you came to New York, a man usually had more than one wife,” Olivia supplied.

 

“And I just thought... I don’t know. That you were just... living together? Wait, really?!” Safa shook her head. 

 

“Really,” Alex confirmed.

 

“Rym told me... that you were living together without a husband,” Safa said. “I thought it was just that you didn’t have one, or he died or something. But, we know lots of people who live together. Auntie Liz and Auntie Lena. Rym and Abbie...”

 

Alex and Olivia looked at each other, and Olivia smirked a little.

 

“Do you want to tell her, or should I?” Olivia asked Alex.

 

“Oh... OH. Wait... REALLY?! Them too?” Safa shook her head again, incredulous. “But... WHY?”

 

“Why what, sweetheart?” Alex asked.

 

“Why do you... you know, do it with each other instead of with men?”

 

“Because we want to,” Alex said simply. “We love each other. We trust each other. And we’re sexually attracted to each other,” she explained. “It’s as simple as that.”

 

Safa looked back and forth between her moms. “And... people know about this?”

 

Alex smiled, and Olivia laughed a bit. “Um, yeah,” Olivia said. “Pretty much everyone knows about this. It’s not a secret.”

 

“Woah. Okay. Mind blown,” Safa said, pulling her hands away from her head in a gesture to show her head exploding.

 

“Okay, so we’ve made a lot of discoveries this afternoon, but let’s talk about the most important one,” Alex said. “Safa, how can we support you right now?”

 

“I want... I need to learn more about it. To understand. I want to do my project on FGM.”

 

Alex nodded. “Are you sure?”

 

“I think so. I need... it will he hard, but I need to know what happened to me.”

 

“I think that’s important,” Alex said. “I want you to know, though, that you do NOT have to tell anyone about what happened to you, including Stephanie. You may want to, but I urge you to process it on your own, and with us first. Because if the kids at school don’t react how you want, it could really hurt you. Nobody is entitled to private information about your body or your sexuality.”

 

Safa nodded.

 

“And I think if you’re going to work on this topic, we would like to know what you’re reading and discuss it with you. We don’t want you to feel alone in this,” Olivia said.

 

“Stephanie knows I came from Yemen,” Safa said. “For now I’m just going to tell her that I saw child marriages and polygamy and stuff, and that’s why I was upset. Once I tell her, I can’t un-tell her.”

 

Alex took her hand. “I think that’s a good idea, sweetheart. You can tell her later, if you’re ready.” 

 

She looked at Olivia, and they had a silent conversation. Alex raised an eyebrow, and Olivia shrugged, and nodded.

 

“If you want,” Olivia said. “Might be good for her.”

 

“Safa, how do you feel about taking a mental health day tomorrow and coming to Cambridge with me?” Alex asked. 

 

Safa looked from Alex to Olivia. “Really? Because I really don’t want to go back and face what happened today.”

 

“I know,” Alex said, rubbing her back. “It’s okay, just this once. And I promise your Mom won’t arrest you for truancy.”

 

Olivia smiled. “We don’t want you to stay home alone, though, so if you don’t go to school, you’re going with Mama. And that means we leave at 6:45 to catch the train.”

 

“Can Stephanie come? Pleeease?” Safa asked. 

 

“If Stephanie’s grandma says it’s okay, then it’s okay with me,” Alex said. “You two can work on homework at Starbucks or something while I’m teaching.”

 

“I’ll talk to her grandma, and if she says yes, I’ll bring her home so she can get some clothes,” Olivia said.

 

Alex stood up and turned so Safa could put her clothes back on, then turned around and wrapped her into a hug. Olivia hugged them both from behind Safa.

 

“We love you so much, sweetheart,” Alex said. “And we’re so proud of you.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for Redemption for things that haven’t happened yet in that story.
> 
> CW: descriptions of child abuse

Olivia snuggled Alex from behind, spooning her gently as she kissed below her ear. Alex intertwined their fingers on her stomach, under the duvet, and, though Olivia hadn’t pressed her pelvis forward into Alex’s back, Alex thought she could feel their strap-on poking through Olivia’s pyjama bottoms. She closed her eyes and took a relaxing breath. 

Stephanie had gone to sleep in the guest room, and Safa had been clingy, staying at Alex’s side to make dinner and clear the table, before Alex had tucked her into bed with a bit of reiki, which she had learned back when she had been healing herself.

Her eyes opened as she heard the bedroom door click, and Safa shuffled across the carpet, old stuffed animal in hand, before silently sliding into bed in front of Alex. Alex squeezed Olivia’s hand and then let go, wrapping her arm around her daughter, and lifted her head to kiss her temple. She didn’t say anything, waiting instead for Safa to say what she needed.

Olivia reached across Alex to run her fingers through Safa’s hair. “Couldn’t sleep, sweetheart?” She asked. “What’s on your mind?”

Safa hugged her stuffed kitten, and Alex reached to hold her hand as Olivia wrapped both of them in an embrace. 

“You have sex,” she said finally, her voice barely a whisper.

The older women paused, waiting to see if anything else was coming. “We do,” Olivia said finally. “But you don’t have to, ever, if you don’t want to.”

Safa was silent for another moment. “Why?” She choked out.

“You need to trust someone to have sex with them. And it’s about feeling good in your body. Both of those things might be hard for you as you get older, and they’re important even if you choose not to have sex. That’s why we bring you to therapy.”

Safa sniffled, and Alex squeezed her hand again.

“No,” she said. “I mean... why do you have sex? I don’t... I guess I just thought...”

Alex propped herself up on her elbow, leaning forward, her brow furrowed as she tried to discern what Safa was trying to get at.

“What, love?”

Safa began to cry. “I just thought it sounded scary, and like it hurt. I don’t ...”

“Tell me about that,” Alex said gently.

“Isn’t sex... I thought men were the ones who wanted it. And women didn’t because it hurt a lot and felt gross. And he goes on top and you can’t get away and he smells bad and you close your eyes and just want it to be over and it takes forever and then you have to pretend you wanted it and liked it and then you can’t walk and it hurts so bad,” she began to sob, and Alex and Olivia wrapped their arms around her. 

Alex put her other hand on Safa’s back, and took a deep breath in, then exhaled, giving Safa time to imitate her. 

“Safa,” Olivia murmured. “That’s not what sex looks like. That’s rape,” she said gently. “That is not okay.”

Safa cried for a few minutes while her moms held her.

“What do you need right now?” Alex asked gently when Safa’s crying slowed.

“I’m afraid of remembering,” she admitted. “I need you to tell me the truth.”

Alex turned to face Olivia. “Sweetheart, I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” she said. “When your brain wants to protect you...”

“Oh yeah?” She argued. “What if my brain decides to remember in the middle of math class next time? Or during the SATs? Why won’t you just tell me? It already happened to me anyway!” She shouted, and began sobbing. “Mama, I’m scared of what’s in my head that I don’t know.”

Alex took a deep breath, and Olivia nodded. “I’m just going to... I’ll be back in one sec,” she whispered, kissing Alex’s forehead before slipping out of bed to the master bath to take off their toy. That would have to wait until another night.

“Here, sweetheart,” Alex said. “Switch with me and come in the middle,” she encouraged, rolling onto her other side.

Olivia slipped back into the bed and kissed Safa’s forehead, now almost spooning her, but leaving space between them, as Safa faced Alex. Alex propped herself up on an elbow, and used her other hand to gently brush Safa’s hair back and wipe a tear off her face.

“Why don’t you start by telling us what you do remember,” Alex suggested. “And we’ll ask questions to help you remember more. You can remember the good things, too. Do you remember your mom?”

“When I was little she took good care of me. I remember that she loved me and always made me feel really nice,” Safa whispered. “And I was really sad when she was gone. And then, after she died, that’s when the man came...” she paused. “Why did he take me? My father was still there. I needed a mother.”

Alex and Olivia remained silent, and Alex took her hand again.

“What happened when he came for you?” Olivia asked. “Do you remember anything about when you met him?”

“He had a mustache,” Safa said. “And I had to sit on his lap and asked me questions about whether I did my chores and if I was good. And he asked me if I wanted to go to New York, but I didn’t know where that was. He told me there were really big buildings and I could have ice cream every day if I was good. And I would have a sister. So I said yes.”

“Sweetheart, I want you to know that you didn’t do anything wrong. You were just a little girl, and you didn’t know what he was going to do,” Olivia soothed her.

Safa nodded. “I don’t remember much else,” she admitted.

“What’s the next memory you have?” Alex asked.

Safa closed her eyes. “I remember eating a lot of cake with you,” she said. “And I remember going to the ocean for the first time and putting my feet in the water with you.”

Alex smiled. “I was so glad we took you to the beach. We weren’t sure yet if you were going to stay with us,” she said.

“Mama, what did I forget?” Safa whispered.

Alex looked over Safa’s shoulder at Olivia, who nodded.

“What do you think you forgot, love?” She asked.

Safa shrugged. 

Alex put a finger under Safa’s chin and waited for her to make eye contact. She searched the girl’s eyes. “Sweetheart, before we tell you what happened, I want you to know that we love you. None of this was your fault, and you didn’t deserve it. And we are here for you to help you work through it, okay?”

Safa nodded. “Okay,” she said.

Alex kissed her forehead. “The man who brought you to New York was your husband,” she began. “He married you way too young, and then abused you, physically and sexually.”

Olivia began to rub her back as Safa stared at nothing.

“He had me... I remember he had his thing... and he would put whipped cream or something on it,” she said.

“Use the word, sweetheart. Say ‘his penis;’ it takes your power back,” Olivia said.

“He made me lick his penis and put it in my mouth,” she said numbly, still staring beyond Alex. “He got angry if I didn’t want to. It was gross.”

Alex and Olivia held her, and she buried her face in Alex’s shoulder.

“How did you know?” She asked, finally. “How did you know to save me?”

Alex gave her a sad smile and bit her lip, looking her daughter in the eye.

“When you came to the hospital after the acid attack,” Alex said gently. “You were pregnant. It was completely by chance that we were there that day. We investigated the attack so we could make a case about the abuse and get you out of there. We didn’t know you’d end up with us.”

“I have a baby somewhere?”

Alex held her eye contact and slowly shook her head. “Sweetheart, you weren’t even 12 years old. We did not want you to have to go through pregnancy, and childbirth, and then making a decision about adoption.”

“So I had an abortion.”

“We thought the best option was to terminate the pregnancy, yes,” Olivia said. “We talked to you, and we made that decision together with Ellen, your social worker, and George, our friend who is a psychiatrist.”

“Why did you save me?” She asked after a few minutes. 

Alex drew her fingertips across Safa’s forehead and wiped a tear with her thumb, waiting for the girl to look at her. “It’s our job to help children who are being hurt, and to make sure they’re safe, and to put the people who hurt them in prison,” Alex explained. 

“But you didn’t have to keep me,” she said.

“You wanted to keep us,” Olivia said. “You trusted us. You chose us.”

“When we met you, Mom and I had just learned that we weren’t going to be able to have children,” Alex said. “We wanted you to stay, too. And we are so lucky to have you as our daughter.”

“Now you know about a lot of really hard stuff that happened to you. Things that should never, ever happen to any child,” Olivia said. “We may have helped to get you out of a terrible situation, but we didn’t save you. That, you’ll have to do yourself.”

“Safa,” Alex said. “You’re going to feel a lot of feelings about everything, or maybe no feelings at all. Whatever way you feel is the right way. And we’re going to make some appointments with Dr. Caroline to talk through everything. She can help.” She paused to tuck the girl’s hair behind her ear. “Talk to us, okay? Don’t hold it all in. We can’t take it away but we can be there with you when it hurts.”

Safa just cried, in Alex’s arms, with Olivia rubbing her back, until she fell asleep, and Olivia reached over and held her wife’s hand as they all slept.


	5. Chapter 5

It was weird, waking up in the morning snuggled not into each other, but cocooning their daughter, and Olivia missed pressing up against her wife and kissing her neck from behind, and the way they usually connected in the morning. She reached over to pick up her watch on the nightstand. 5:10; still early. Two hours until Alex needed to be on the train. She’d be waking up any minute.

She reached over and brushed her fingers against her wife’s cheek, loving the softness of her features when she slept, their daughter curled up under her chin, with Alex holding her hand. Alex stirred, and Olivia suddenly remembered the arousal she hadn’t had the chance to satisfy the night before. She hoped she’d get to Boston for the weekend before Alex got to sleep tonight. Unless... she did a quick calculation in her head.

She slipped out of bed to go make coffee, stopping in the bathroom to put their toy back on. She wasn’t sure they’d have time, or that alex would be willing, and actually... it made her nervous to wonder whether Safa would notice, or worse, she’d bump into Stephanie coming out of the guest bedroom on the way to make coffee, but... it was still early, so that was unlikely.

As she expected, when she went back upstairs to the master bath with two cups of coffee, the light was on, and Olivia knocked once gently and opened the door.

“Good morning, love,” she whispered, pulling her wife in for a kiss, and closing her eyes. She pressed their bodies together, letting Alex feel the toy.

Alex pulled her face back from Olivia’s kiss, arching an eyebrow. “I thought you took that off,” she said. “You didn’t...”

“Of course I didn’t sleep next to our daughter wearing it,” Olivia said, before smiling suggestively. “I put it on for you, this morning.”

Alex shivered and kissed Olivia again, pressing into her pelvis. Olivia hummed in pleasure and closed her eyes for a brief second as she felt a new surge of arousal.

“We have two problems,” Alex murmured against her mouth. “Someone is sleeping in our bed, and we don’t have much time.”

“I don’t need long,” Olivia admitted. “Do you?”

“Where?” Alex asked, looking around the bathroom. “Not here.”

“The couch in your office downstairs,” Olivia whispered. “Far away from the guest room.” 

“Lead the way,” Alex said, taking her hand. “But I’m setting my alarm.”

As soon as the office door closed, Olivia pushed Alex up against it, fusing their mouths before kissing up and down her neck, while bringing her hands up under her tank top to her breasts. She caressed them gently, loving how predictable Alex’s moans of pleasure were, before slipping a hand into Alex‘s panties to see if she was ready. She most definitely was 

“How do you want it, love?” Olivia asked. “This is okay, right? You want this?”

“Olivia, of course this is okay,” she chided from her fog of arousal. “God I need you,” she moaned, pushing Olivia’s shorts down. She began walking Olivia backwards towards the couch, pulling her shirt off over her head before grabbing onto the toy and using it to direct her lover, who let out a surprised yelp. Olivia was getting more and more used to Alex taking charge in the bedroom, but her forwardness was always appreciated.

She backed Olivia up against the couch and Olivia sat down, clothes removed, and pulled down Alex’s shorts and panties. Alex climbed on top of Olivia, knees on either side of her wife’s legs, and leaned in over her for another deep kiss, again tugging the toy between her legs to elicit another moan. She caressed Olivia’s breasts, leaning down to capture a nipple with her mouth and suckle, as she positioned herself over the toyZ 

Olivia loved the way Alex made her feel during their lovemaking, especially the way Alex always looked her directly in the eye while they pleasured each other, unless she was positioned in such a way that she couldn’t. Alex held her eyes on Olivia and let out a soft groan as she spread her lower lips apart and began pushing down into Olivia. The way she gently rocked against her was mind-blowing. In fact, she was pretty sure she was ready for an orgasm already.

Alex began grinding down slowly, wrapping her arms around the back of Olivia’s neck so their breasts brushed against each other, keeping eye contact and smiling. Olivia sometimes struggled not to immediately thrust all the way into her lover, but she always wanted to be gentle. Although Alex’s issues with penetration had long since been overcome, she never wanted to spook her.

Olivia reached a hand between them and found moisture, rubbing first on the glass toy, then on a finger up and near, but not quite on, Alex’s clit, then her own. Alex closed her eyes momentarily and bit her lip in pleasure as she slid down over the ridge designed to perfectly stimulate her g-spot. She leaned in to kiss Olivia again, pressing down into her and tugging the toy. 

“Oh god, Alex,” Olivia moaned. “Oh yes!”

Alex lifted herself up slowly, lips still locked with Olivia’s, then lowered herself down again. As the pressure began to build, Olivia began to buck her hips, slowly at first, then faster. Alex tightened her grip around her neck, her breath quickening in Olivia’s ear as she pressed her pelvis down, desperate for more of the burning stretch that felt so good.

All of a sudden, Olivia lifted up off the cushions and grabbed Alex around the back, laying her down on her back and continuing to pump, slowly, now as Alex looked up at her, wrapping her long legs around Olivia’s back to held her deep inside. Olivia intentionally slowed down and pushed the tip of the toy up against Alex’s g-spot, causing her to yelp, then giggle.

Olivia kissed her neck and sucked on her collarbone, watching her from above as she slowed to a painfully deliberate pace.

“Do you like this?” Olivia inquired, linking Alex’s hand into hers.

Alex held her eyes and nodded, as Olivia brought her other hand under Alex’s arm, and tickled a bit, causing Alex to giggle and jump, then moan again in pleasure as the toy hit her again in exactly the right spot. She pumped in and out again a few timed, slowly, and the back of Alex’s legs pressed into her ass, holding her inside, so she began to rock her pelvis back and forth, driving Alex crazy. 

She relaxed her whole body down into Alex and kissed her, running her hands up and down Alex’s sides before capturing her mouth and tickling her again. As Alex squirmed below her, her arms holding on tight to Olivia’s neck and her legs wrapped around Olivia’s, the pull and tug of the toy inside them was delicious, and Olivia coukd tell Alex was getting close by the change in her soft moans of pleasure. Olivia wasn’t going to hold out much longer either, but she always tried to give Alex the first orgasm.

“Oh, God, Olivia,” she moaned, breathless, frantically meeting Olivia’s stroke for more. With Olivia, penetration was an art form, and she had quickly understood why women liked it. She could never get Olivia deep enough inside her.

Olivia lifted her head slightly and met Alex’s eyes, whispering, “I love you,” right before she thrust deeply into her lover, collapsing inside her as her body released, the toy taking on a life of its own inside them. Olivia release triggered Alex’s, and she gripped her tightly, tears forming in her eyes, as her inner muscles twitched and made her feel so good she could hardly stand it.

When they both stilled, Olivia didn’t waste much time.

“God, that was incredible,” Alex murmured into Olivia’s war as they regained consciousness. “You are unbelievable. I needed that.”

Olivia smiled smugly to herself before slowly reaching down and removing the toy from herself, leaving the other end in Alex, sending an aftershock of bliss through her again. She began kissing her way down Alex’s body, gripping her hips and smiling lasciviously as she lowered her mouth.

Alex gasped as Olivia ran her tongue around her lips, cleaning her, but also nipping occasionally to arouse her again.

“Liv...” Alex whined, as arousal began to build within her again. “We need to get up...” 

Olivia chuckled. “I haven’t heard an alarm, have you?”

Alex’s eyes widened as she looked at the clock. What had seemed deliciously slow has barely taken more than ten minutes.

“Now,” Olivia said, nipping again near her clit and running the tip of her tongue around the still-present toy. “I don’t know if I should make you wait for the next orgasm until you hear the alarm, or if I should see how many I can get done before it goes off.”

Alex groaned and tilted her head back as Olivia twisted the toy again, pointing the double end down, giving her better access.

“I do have to get up and go teach after this,” Alex hissed. “And I need to be able to walk!”

“Okay, I’ll take out Lucy,” she said, referring to the way they had named the toy after the actress who’d played Xena, and whom they both found gorgeous.

Olivia began to fulfill her promise, but devastatingly slowly. She reached her left hand up to play with Alex’s breast as her mouth danced around Alex’s vulva and clit, never quite applying enough pressure, as she extracted the toy a millimeter at a time, and Alex’s pelvis bucked with desire and pleasure. Each time she felt the pressure build, she began to back off, leaving her wife trembling in desire with an edge of frustration. 

She began drawing shapes with her tongue as she noticed she had barely two minutes left and as Alex’s breath again showed the pressure growing inside her. Without slowing her tongue, she removed the toy completely,  replacing it with two fingers that she slowly pumped against Alex’s g-spot.

“Mmm, you’re so delicious,” Olivia murmured in between the soft noises of appreciation she always made while going down on her wife.

Alex let out a low moan, and knowing that she was close, Olivia decided to let her come, and latched onto her clit, sucking hard and rubbing her tongue on it inside her mouth. She held onto Alex as the orgasm rolled through her, without stimulating her further but without letting go, and reached over to snooze the alarm as the aftershocks twitched through her body. When Alex stopped moving, she slid up and kissed her mouth, gently, and took her hand, as Alex’s eyes remained closed.

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to go teach about rape now,” Alex murmured in Olivia’s ear, gripping her. She started to shift but found it difficult to move.

“Last class. You’ll do great, beautiful. Up and at ‘em, Cabot.” Olivia encouraged.

“I don’t think I can move,” Alex admitted, smiling wryly. “How is it that this gets better every time we do it?”

“Practice,” Olivia said, pecking her under the ear. “Every time, we get a little better at reading each other’s bodies, and a little better at allowing it to be this fantastic.”

“I think I’m behind in my practice hours for accreditation,” Alex said. “I may have to practice more this weekend.”

“Anything I can do to help, Professor.”

They looked at each other and laughed, then shared a deep kiss.

“I love you,” Alex said.

“I love you, too,” Olivia replied. She pushed off the couch, legs shaking, and held out a hand to Alex to help her move. She handed Alex her bathrobe and helped her to slip in on, then followed her to the shower to begin preparing for the day.


	6. Chapter 6

Alex did her makeup and blow dried her hair in the master bedroom, and Olivia, after getting dressed, leaned over the bed and kissed Safa on the temple to wake her. She roused and shifted groggily, turning onto her stomach to hide her face in the pillow. She hadn’t slept well, even though she didn’t recall any particular dreams, but when she finally opened her eyes and remember why she was in her mothers’ bed, she felt tears well up in her again.

“Good morning, sweetheart,” Olivia said, sitting next to her on the bed.

Safa nodded, rubbing her eyes. “Morning, Mom,” she said groggily.

“Did you sleep alright?” She asked.

Safa shrugged a shoulder. “Okay I guess,” she said. “Thanks for ...” she gestured to the bed.

Olivia put an arm around her. “Of course,” she said softly. “This is not going to be easy, but you are strong, and you—“

“Mom, don’t.” Safa said, cutting her off. “I can’t right now.”

Olivia squeezed her and nodded. “Okay. You’re going to go with Mama and Steph. Are you going to be okay alone while Mama’s teaching? Or do you want... I can call in to work.”

“Mom, I’ll be fine,” Safa said, annoyed as she rolled over and got out of bed. “And I won’t be alone. I’ll be with Steph. Besides, you know Mama is going to make us go on tours or go to museums or something.”

Olivia studied her daughter for a moment and nodded, smiling at her, then kissed her forehead. “Text or call me if you need anything while Mama is busy. I’ll try to get out early and take the train up to meet you. We’ll talk with Mama, but do you want to go to the beach house, or should we stay in Boston to visit? Mama will have to reserve a bigger room.”

Safa shrugged. “I don’t think Steph has been to Boston before. I’ll ask her what she wants to do. Can we get pizza tonight?”

“You’ll have to ask Mama. I don’t know if I’ll be there before dinner. Depends on what time I get done at the precinct.” She hugged Safa. 

Alex came out of the master bedroom, freshly made up with her hair blown dry, in her bathrobe, ready to get dressed. “Good morning, love,” she said, coming to kiss Safa on the forehead, before she kissed Olivia on the lips again. Safa blushed and turned away. “You should go get ready to go,” Alex said. “And see if Steph is awake. We have to leave in 45 minutes.”

Safa nodded and yawned, then pushed up off the bed. 

“Let’s think about what, if anything, you want to tell Steph about what’s going on,” Alex said. 

Safa nodded. “I’m not ready to tell her what happened to me.”

“I think it’s wise to wait,” Alex agreed. “I think that maybe we could discuss your research topics generally, though. You might want to see if you can speak about it objectively before you pick it as a topic for school. Or choose something that isn’t as emotionally charged for you. Practicing talking about it with us will help though.”

She opened her arms, and Safa melted into them, starting to cry again. “Mama, it’s not fair.”

“No, sweetheart, it’s not,” Alex whispered back. “And I am so sorry.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
Safa carried their coffees, following her mother closely, as Alex, in her pencil skirt suit and high heels, walked quickly through the station towards the platform, rolling her small suitcase with her briefcase on top. She directed the girls towards the platform marker for the first class cabin she normally sat in, and as the train pulled in, towards the seats she had reserved around a foldout table. She had purchased all four to avoid a stranger sitting with them, and the girls put their backpacks in the empty chair.

Alex went to sit in the lone seat, leaving the girls next to each other, but Safa squeezed her hand. “Mama, I want to sit next to you,” she said in a low voice.

Alex nodded and squeezed her hand back, following her into the seat, and gesturing for Steph to take the other. As she sat down, Safa leaned her head on Alex’s shoulder and Alex put her right hand in Safa’s hair, scratching the base of her scalp gently with her fingernails. Alex took out a law journal from her briefcase and began to read, while massaging her daughter’s head absentmindedly.

Steph sat awkwardly across from them, her phone out to read, and let out a yawn, then covered her mouth before taking a sip of her white chocolate mocha. “I’m trying to do research, but I really don’t want to right now. It’s too early in the morning,” she groaned.

Alex smiled. “You’ve worked hard this year. You can take a bit of a break,” she said. “What are you researching?”

Steph shrugged. “Still trying to pick a topic for that paper. I was reading about places where girls get married, like, as kids.”

Alex felt Safa stiffen under her fingertips, and took a breath.

“Um, can we... just not right now?” Safa managed to get out. 

“I’m just trying to find a topic before all the good ones are taken,” Steph said. “I just need to pick a country. It seems like it happens in lots of places.”

“Yemen,” Safa choked out. “Do Yemen.”

Steph tilted her head. “Why? I don’t know anything about Yemen. I was thinking India, maybe.”

Safa took a breath. “I came from Yemen,” she said. “Before I came to New York. That... could have been me,” she said.

Alex rubbed her upper back. 

“What do you mean?” Steph asked.

Safa looked at Alex, who nodded almost imperceptibly, and swallowed. “I mean that before I came to New York, before my moms adopted me, I was born in Yemen.” She choked up. “If... I could have stayed and I’d’ve had a couple of kids by now,” she said soberly.

“I didn’t think about that,” Steph said. “That’s awful. I’m glad that didn’t happen to you.”

Safa mumbled a reply and sank down in her seat and snuggled into Alex, who leaned over and kissed her temple.

“Did you pick a topic yet? I’m going to email Ms. Schaeffer now,” Steph said. “I’ll tell her I’ll do Yemen, unless you want to."

“Yeah,” Safa murmured. “I’m going to do that… the mutilation thing.”

Steph made a face. “I don’t know if I could handle reading about that. I felt sick just reading what it was.”

Alex put her hand on Safa’s. “I’ve got a memoir I read a few years ago written by a woman who was excised and who escaped and moved to the Netherlands to be an activist for women’s rights. Infidel, by Ayaan Hirsi Ali. It might be a good place to start.”

Safa nodded numbly.

Steph stared into the middle distance, thinking. “I mean, how do they even... how does that even *work*?” She asked.

“You mean how do they do the excision?” Alex asked, frowning. She definitely didn’t want to describe that in front of Safa on the train. “I think you can do some research about that. It depends on what country where it’s done, but usually they remove the clitoris, which is for women to feel sexual pleasure,” Alex explained.

She made a face and looked away. “Actually, I meant... if they cut it... everything... down there... off, how do they... why do they... you know....”

“How do they have sex?” Alex asked. Steph blushed and nodded. “Very painfully, I imagine,” she said, empathetically.

“But... why?”

“Why do they have sex?” Alex asked. “Do you think girls who are born in places where their genitals are cut off have a lot of choice about when and with whom they have sex?” She asked gently.

Steph shook her head and looked out the window, distressed. 

“The idea that women can choose, and can say not to sex, especially with their husbands, is relatively new,” she said. She glanced over at Safa to see how she was doing with the conversation, and squeezed her hand. “I know this is an upsetting topic,” Alex said, “but I think if you want to work on it for a project, we need to be able to talk about it a little bit, don’t you think?”

Safa nodded. “So now, women can choose to say no, at least here,” she said. “Except... girls who get married can’t.”

Alex squeezed her hand. “When young girls are married, especially to much older men, they don’t really have the ability to say no,” she said, frowning. “He has too much power, and it’s hard for young women to refuse.”

“Wait, so... they actually have to have sex when they get married at 12 or 13?!” Steph asked incredulously. “Gross! I thought... I didn't think that would happen.”

Alex sighed. “Most underage girls who get married have husbands who are much older men. That’s true in almost all cultures where it occurs. Girls are usually considered adults once they start their periods, even if we know they’re really not. And men want to marry them because they are easy to abuse and control. These violent traditions- mutilating girls so they can’t feel sexual pleasure as grown women, or marrying them young so they’re dependent on older men - are about men wanting to control women’s sexuality and reproduction.”

“That’s terrible. How do people let that happen?!” Steph exclaimed.

Alex nodded. “It is terrible. A lot of young women in the world go through a lot of trauma and they certainly don’t have the education or the wonderful opportunities you both have. And plenty of women *are* trying to stop it, including Olivia and I.” 

“If a girl gets married at 13... then what happens to her?” Steph asked.

“Nothing,” Safa answered bluntly, clearly on edge, the ache in her chest building as she willed herself not to cry. Alex caught her eye and rubbed her back again. “My mom - my birth mother - just had kids, and then that was it. She died having a baby when I was 8.”

“Women who get married and have children that young usually end up taking care of men and child for the rest of their lives,” Alex said sadly. “Think about all of the women in the world who never get the chance to decide to do something else with their lives because they have babies too early.”

Steph looked like she was going to cry now, too. “I’m so sorry, Safa, I didn’t know. Why didn’t you tell me before?”

Safa shrugged and shook her head, choking up. “I don’t know. I don’t remember much before I came to live with my moms. I don’t like to talk about it.”

“You should tell Ms. Schaeffer you like, have experience with this stuff. Even if you don’t really want to talk about it.”

Safa shook her head. “I need to learn about it for me, but I don’t want to talk to anyone else about it yet.”

Steph reached out to touch her hand. “Now I understand why you were so upset yesterday. I’m so sorry about your mom.”

Safa wiped an eye and shrugged as Alex held her hand. 

“It’s okay, sweetheart. We can talk about it, or about your mom, as much or as little as you want. Talking about her might help you to remember her more,” Alex said gently. “Mom and I have always said that we can imagine how good of a mom she was to you because of how sweet and kind you’ve always been, and how you trusted us when you came to stay with us. And we both know it’s hard to lose your real mom.”

Safa’s eyes welled up with tears again, and she leaned into Alex’s arms.

“So... how did you get to New York then? How did you end up with your moms?” Steph asked. “Can I ask that?”

Safa looked at Alex, who nodded. “You can tell her if you’re comfortable, sweetheart,” she encouraged, and Safa nodded. Alex pursed her lips. “Safa came to New York when she was 9, with her father’s cousin, who worked for the UN at the time. Someone threw acid at her in the street and Olivia and I met her in the hospital, and our squad was investigating what happened and if it was a hate crime. You were... almost 12, and we didn’t know if you spoke any English” she said.

“Then he had to leave New York,” Safa said, catching Alex’s eye, “and I went into foster care.”

“We knew foster care would be really difficult for her without speaking English, and it would be hard for us to prosecute her attacker, and we had also made friends with an interpreter. So we asked to take her in with us.”

“I really hated living with my dad’s cousin, and I liked living with just two women,” Safa admitted quietly. “So I wanted to stay as long as they’d let me.”

Alex kissed the top of her head. “You know, we’re really lucky you came into our family,” Alex said softly.

Safa studied her fingernails. “I’m really lucky I didn’t have to go back to Yemen,” she whispered, trying not to cry.

Steph was silent for a moment. “When you lived there, did you know of anyone who actually got married that young? Or do you not remember?” She asked.

Safa looked desperately at Alex, and shrugged.

“Sweetheart, it’s okay. We can stop talking about this if you want,” Alex said gently. She turned to Steph. “I think Safa was too young to really pay attention to those details, and she didn’t know how old her mom was.”

Safa sniffled, and Alex handed her a tissue from her purse. “It’s okay, Mama. Nobody knows about where I came from and I never get to talk about my mom,” she said. “I’m glad people are going to learn about what happens,” she said quietly.

“Just remember you only have to share what you’re comfortable with. The rest we can talk about as a family first,” Alex said. “It’s okay to have privacy for some things.”

Steph swallowed and looked away. “Sorry, I... I’m just curious, but I guess she would have been too little to notice if that happened often,” Steph said. 

“It’s okay to be curious and to ask questions, because I know you care about Safa and are a good friend to her,” Alex said. “I trust you to keep her confidence and to not ask her to talk about things that make her feel uncomfortable if she doesn’t want to.”

“Of course,” Steph said, shifting in her seat. She had known her friend was adopted, and had sometimes felt pangs of envy when comparing her grandmother’s rundown 2-bedroom apartment on 125th and St. Nicholas Ave with Safa’s huge bedroom in her family’s brownstone. Although she had known that her friend had lost her mother, she’d figured Safa had hit the jackpot with her adoptive moms. Big house, plenty of money, nice family, that she had never really stopped to consider the circumstances that may have led to Safa’s adoption, and her friend had never really talked about it. Maybe there was more to it than she thought. Maybe even more than what Safa was letting on now.

“I think my mom was pretty young when she got married,” Safa said. She looked at Alex. “My dad had another wife who was there before my mom. She hated my mom and she hated me. That’s why I had to leave after my mom died. I got sent with my father’s cousin.”

“He had two wives at the same time?” Steph asked.

“I think so. She was the first wife and my mom was his second. Then there was another wedding before I left, but she didn’t like me either.”

Alex ran her fingers through her daughter ‘s hair.

“That’s why... I just thought that you and Mom were married to someone else, who died, or left, or something. I didn’t know women could get married together without a man.”

Alex smiled gently and blushed. “Your Mom and I have only been married to each other,” she said. “No men involved.”

“I like that,” Safa said. “I'm glad it’s just us.”

“Me too,” Alex said.


End file.
